Tests, Allies and Enemies

In my previous life, I trained and handled search and rescue dogs to locate victims of drownings, disasters, avalanches, and hikers lost in the wilderness. It’s a strange relationship that develops between a search dog and his handler. When the dog has located his subject, he alerts. Hopefully, this alert is discernible to the handler. However, there are times when it’s not so obvious, and the handler has to trust that she’s trained her dog well and that he will fulfill his assignment.

Who Should You Trust?

I have found this to be true in my PD adventure; I need to know who I can trust and who to steer clear of.

I have learned to be skeptical about those who promise a cure in a pill or a myriad of supplements. I hate to think how many millions of dollars people with neurodegenerative diseases have sacrificed when we thought that there was a glimmer of hope found in an old ancient recipe or a secret formula hidden through the ages. I hate that there are those who take pleasure in this type of contemptuous and malevolent business.

However, as my search and rescue experience taught me, there are those who can be trusted. We can, with careful discernment, place our confidence in years of schooling and education, surgical and patient appointments, big white lab coats and little white mice, care partners, and families that have survived generations of diseases and disturbances. There is nothing new under the sun. In the past those who have gone before us have survived; and we will too. 

Life’s been hard lately, especially last Friday. I had heard my Parkinson’s brothers and sisters refer to the ending of a honeymoon period. First of all, I could not imagine a honeymoon period being associated with the onset of Parkison’s. That seemed to be an oxymoron to me. But last Friday I got it. I had not exercised that day yet and my burning mouth syndrome was raging. I tried to journal all this and my handwriting was so illegible that it was barely discernible. 

Like the PD honeymoon, I could also not relate to the depression thing that many with PD experienced. Well, I’ve seen the light, and it ain’t pretty. In the midst of my “dark Friday of the soul,” I admitted that there wasn’t much I felt capable of doing besides crying; crying had never been my thing before this. I felt worthless, especially to my family. I was overwhelmed with the idea that I was a huge burden to the people I loved and questioned whether I really had a purpose here on earth. But I want to make it clear that suicide never was and never will be an option from my toolbox.

Well, I lived to see another day, and that day was far better than the previous one. I remembered my mantra – “Trust Your Dog.” Even more than my faithful dog, my family and friends, medical support group, Parkinson’s support group, and God have all proved themselves worthy of my trust.

It’s hard when it seems like it’s always two steps forward; one step back. It’s hard when you’ve barely started treating one symptom and another one pops its ugly head up. But I think we were created to live in community. We play a special role in the lives of others that we may not be aware of. 

When a search dog handler has resolutely convinced herself that her search dog has been well trained and knows his stuff, there is a huge sense of relief. It helps to know that it’s not dependent on me to escape this maelstrom that I’m in. This is true in trying to navigate the dangerous waters of Parkinson’s. I am surrounded by a support group more than capable of helping me to captain this ship without fear of capsizing. My vetting process has revealed them to be individuals of integrity who only want the best for me. They are worthy of my trust.

Fight the Good Fight

Am I developing perseverance from all these trials? Am I developing a peace in my life that’s hard to explain except for Parkinson’s? Can I become more patient and tolerant of other people as I develop patience and tolerance for myself? Most of all, will I fight the good fight and realize that I must celebrate every little victory and find an inner joy that is struggling to get out?